A little way behind the scenes
by allie34
Summary: Chakotay is left out of the loop, but doesn't realise, will he ever? It's halloween on Voyager, Naomi needs a costume and the doctor finally has a name- or does he? It's a spoof, evil people and those of a nervous disposition are advised not to read.


Disclaimer: Paramount owns StarTrek: Voyager, and the characters. But I'm stealing them- mwahahahahaaaa [sinks back into corner after evil out burst] please don't sue.  
  
Author's note:  
  
Several points to note, this is a comedy, a spoof if you will, and should be taken as such, if you don't like them, then this probably isn't the best thing to read. Although most characters (if not all) are 'out of character' it wouldn't be funny if they were in character- I'm not sure if this is humerous at all- I wrote it some time ago when my sense of humour had not fully evolved, so I apologise about all immature jokes. I would like to state, that I am a huge fan of Star Trek Voyager, and some things that I write may offend some truly-no-nonsense fans- but I couldn't care less, you shouldn't be so sensitive to the series!  
  
I do not think that Chakotay is as stupid as he is in this story, but the plot wouldn't work without the character alteration. Read, laugh, review (if you're not going to write a review like: "you have made loads of spelling mistakes, the plot sucked, but I read it to the end anyway, and just thought that I would waist both of our times by writing a stupid review, blah blah blah, I have never written a story my self and am only envious that you have, blah blah blah, doesn't this review suck more than your story?" I don't respond well to those reviews (as you can see) so don't!)  
  
If you're going to be mean, be constructive! And sign it so I can read your stories and see if you have anything better!  
  
~*~  
  
A little way behind the scenes.  
  
~*~  
  
Harry Kim was the second youngest member of the crew, he would have been the third youngest except Naomi wasn't wasted counted as a member of the crew. Which may or may not make you wonder; who was the youngest member of the crew? Well, the oldest member was Tuvok, although no one was exactly sure how old he was. Kes would have been the youngest if it hadn't been for the slight problem that she had not been aboard the ship for some years. But we still, as yet, do not know who the youngest member of the crew was.  
  
As it turned out, the captain was the youngest member of the crew (apart from the fact that she wasn't, and just insisted that everyone say that she was). This really has no relevance to the story what so ever, so I shall move on.  
  
Harry Kim was swimming in a swimming pool with all of his friends, "hi there sponge Bob," he shouted to the other end of the pool. Another Bob was fixing the sauna that had broken down, "can you fix it?" asked Harry.  
  
"Yes I can!" Bob shouted back.  
  
Lala was throwing it's ball Po (I say it, because teletubies do not seem to have a gender, but according to the BBC, Po and Lala are both girls, but it's impossible to tell for certain), but Po was now bleeding because it had been hit by the ball so many times. Barney, a large purple dinosaur was providing the musical entertainment, and the atmosphere was light and surreal.  
  
Suddenly Harry woke up, but wait a minute, he was still swimming. After a minute Harry realised what had happened- he had wet his bed. He was about to jump out of the bed to get some dry sheets when he heard a clanging from the walls. He froze in his spot- everyone on the ship knew that there were tubes inside the walls all around the ship that were haunted by a man called Jeffery. They were: Jeffery's tubes. (I am actually aware that they are not actually Jeffery's tubes, it's just that it sounds like that- to read the story behind this story go to 'In The Past' a story that I have already posted.)  
  
To scared to move in case Jeffery climbed out of the tubes and decapitated him, he stayed in his bed, hoping that maybe Jeffery would go by without noticing that Harry was there.  
  
~*~  
  
The commander and the captain were on the bridge as usual, talking. Their conversation had some how turned to that of acting, and the commander was trying to convince captain Janeway that a play of some sort should be put on for the crew. "And who would be in it?" the captain asked him.  
  
"I hadn't thought that far ahead," the commander defended himself.  
  
"Well, what would the play be about?" the captain tried again for any shred of information.  
  
"I was kind of hoping that you would arrange all of that," Chakotay shrugged once again.  
  
Letting out a deep breath the captain turned to the commander, "so let me get this straight, you have an idea that we should put on a play, but then you want me to arrange everything?"  
  
Chakotay smiled, thinking that the captain was getting his drift, then he noticed that her face did not look too happy, and just when he thought he was going to get an earful, the turbo-lift door opened and the doctor walked out onto the bridge. "Kate," the doctor said as he walked down the steps, "can I have a word?"  
  
The captain got up from her seat, "sure Bob, come into my waiting room," she said as she walked across the bridge.  
  
The commander watched, a little confused, as they both disappeared into her waiting room. Did he hear right? Had the doctor finally chosen a name? Then why hadn't he been informed, he thought to himself, but after some minutes of considering why, as usual, he had been left out of the loop, he forgot what he was thinking about and went back to what ever he does on the bridge.  
  
~*~  
  
Later on that day Chakotay was walking along the corridor when he heard shouting coming from around the corner. Instantly he realised that the people shouting were Tom and B'Elanna, and that they were probably having another argument. Realising that he had nothing better to do with his time, the commander decided that he would listen in to their argument.  
  
"No way am I kissing you!" Tom shouted from round the corner.  
  
"Robbie, it's called acting, it's what you're paid to do!" B'Elanna shouted back. Since when did anyone in the crew get paid to do anything? He thought to himself.  
  
"Why don't you just get a holographic boyfriend like Kate?" Kate? Chakotay thought, he had heard that name somewhere else, oh yes, now he remembered, the doctor had called the captain: Kate, earlier that day. Tom, he concluded, was talking about the captain and Michael. Chakotay smiled at his own intellect, not realising that anyone with an IQ higher than seventy would be able to work that out.  
  
"I'm not going to argue with you," B'Elanna said a little quieter, and then raising in volume, "but I'm sure Brannon's going to want to hear about this!"  
  
"You wouldn't dare Roxanne," Tom said a little cautiously. Chakotay heard footsteps walk off away from his direction, and shortly after, he heard Tom running after shouting "Roxanne, Roxanne, come back!"  
  
~*~  
  
It was the Halloween party that night and Naomi was looking for something to wear, she rummaged through another draw only to again be disappointed. Nothing in the captain's quarters fitted her, she had thought that something might seeing as the captain quite small, but still they didn't, and Naomi was running out of time to find something as it was not long until the captain's shift would end and she would be returning to her quarters.  
  
Sighing again, Naomi made one last attempt and opened another draw, hoping that maybe this one would contain a suitable Halloween costume. She smiled to her self as she looked into the draw; this would be perfect, she decided.  
  
~*~  
  
The commander spotted the Captain sitting in the mess hall and made his way over to her. "What did the doctor want to speak to you about?" he asked as he sat himself down opposite her.  
  
"The party tonight," the captain quickly answered, taking another sip of her coffee and not bothering to look up from the padd she was reading.  
  
He nodded, and then remembering something he paused, "I've noticed something strange," he said.  
  
The captain looked up, suddenly mildly interested in what he was saying, "oh?"  
  
"Well," Chakotay frowned, "Ensign Wildman always wears black, very big coats or stands behind a tall table so you can only see her shoulders up."  
  
"Oh really," nodded the captain, much less interested than she was some seconds ago, "I haven't really noticed, but now you've mentioned it I'll have to keep an eye out," she lied returning to her padd.  
  
Suddenly Tuvok ran into the mess hall shouting: "Mulgrew, Mulgrew!"  
  
Getting the captain's attention she stood up (not that it made much difference), and Tuvok made his way over to her. "Mulgrew," Tuvok said exhaustedly, then noticing the weary glance that the captain was giving him, he looked down to see the commander sitting at the table. Wincing slightly he tried again, "Mul grew- - a, a beard, that's it!" He smiled in relief but quickly suppressed it preferring a more neutral expression.  
  
"Who's Mul?" the commander asked.  
  
Tuvok and the captain exchanged a weary glance, suddenly the captain snapped, grabbed her coffee mug and threw it at Tuvok, "you idiot!" she shouted, as he put a hand to his forehead where he had been hit. "He's talking about Harry, aren't you Tuvok?"  
  
"No I'm not!" Tuvok said without thinking, but seeing the captain reaching for another coffee mug he quickly rectified his mistake, "yes I am," he said, and was relieved to see the captain's hand move away from the mug. "I was just here to tell the captain the Harry has grown a beard, which is against regulations!" If he didn't now that he shouldn't, Tuvok would be smiling triumphantly at this save.  
  
"So why are you calling him Mul then?" the commander asked, still totally confused.  
  
"Mul is Harry's nickname," the captain explained, as if he should have known that!  
  
Just at that moment Harry entered the mess hall, and made his way over to the three of them, "I can't see a beard," Chakotay pointed out.  
  
"What beard?" Harry caught the end of his commander's sentence.  
  
"The beard that you were growing for Halloween," the Captain prompted, but alas, to no avail, Harry didn't get it and looked at her blankly.  
  
"I wasn't," he said, his frown deepening, not understanding the elbows he was receiving from Tuvok.  
  
The captain grabbed the commander by the hand and dragged him to one side, whispering into his ear, "'Mul grew a beard' is code for 'Harry wet his bed'."  
  
Another close save for captain Janeway, and the commander nodded understanding, he looked over the captain's shoulder, "it's okay mate, you'll get it one of these nights!" He gave Harry a supportive thumbs up.  
  
With a sigh of relief that captain moved away from Chakotay and grabbed Harry and Tuvok almost dragging them from the mess hall.  
  
~*~  
  
The Borg children and Naomi the thief were carving pumpkins. "What is your pumpkin?" Seven asked the eldest.  
  
"A witch," he answered.  
  
Seven asked the other children the same question. "A scary face," answered another boy.  
  
"A headless horseman," said the girl.  
  
"The captain's knickers," said Naomi.  
  
Seven looked puzzled, "why knickers, and why the captain's?" she asked.  
  
"I've seen things," she whispered, "I've seen things," she whispered for a second time to add dramatic effect.  
  
~*~  
  
The commander was looking for the captain (why is irrelevant, the fact was, was that he was looking for her), and so he asked the computer where she was. "The captain is currently in astrometrics," came the computer's monotonic reply. And so, he made his way over to that part of the ship, but nothing could have prepared him for what he was about to see.  
  
The doors opened, and he saw a sight that no commander should ever have to see his or her captain doing. It is a well known fact that commanders always fall in love with their captains (it's just one of those things; On the last episode of Star Trek, Spok smiled for the first time when he realised that Captain Kirk was still alive- showing how deep his feelings were for the man. And commander Riker refused to leave Picard's side for many years as he couldn't imagine a day without him, and so couldn't bring himself to leave (that is until he married Dianna- you've got to see the film to believe it).  
  
Anyway, Chakotay was in love with Captain Janeway come hell or high water (what ever that actually means), and the moment he saw her kissing another man she broke his heart- again! And Tuvok of all people, Tuvok who he had never considered a friend, but thought that he had tolerated considerable well over the years. And there they stood in front of him- kissing! He felt betrayed, he wanted to rip Tuvok's ears from the side of his face and argue with Kathryn as to why Tuvok and not him!? And then proclaim his undying love for her, where she would proclaim hers and they would live happily ever after and leave Tuvok on a moon.  
  
Well, that's what we would like to think would be his reaction.  
  
Quickly, the captain and Tuvok separated at hearing the doors open, and they looked round to see who had walked in on them. The commander sniggered (although through the pain and stabbing he felt in his heart), "don't let me interrupt the two of you," he smiled sheepishly and left the room (obviously unable to cope with the idea of Kathryn betraying him so instantly and openly).  
  
He hummed to himself as he walked down the corridor, the captain ran up from behind him and appeared by his side, "could we keep this between the two of us?" she asked, "I don't want the crew to find out."  
  
"And Tuvok of course," the commander turned to her grinning broadly, but saw that she didn't return the smile, "my lips are sealed," he added quickly, "I'm just not so sure about yours!"  
  
She punched him playfully on the arm, "thank you," she said, finally relaxing into a smile.  
  
~*~  
  
A while later the commander was sitting in his quarters, bored stiff and running out of reports. Although it was another half an hour until the Halloween party, he decided that he would arrive early and maybe help them to set up.  
  
The commander entered the room where the part was being held. There was a lot of noise coming from inside the room, but as people realised that the commander had entered the noise died down until there was an unearthly silence (well it was the delta quadrant after all, ha ha haaa- laughter dies down as well ().  
  
Looking round, Chakotay quickly noticed that no one was in their uniforms, the captain was wearing cream, and beside her was Tom wearing what he could only describe as 20th Century jeans (as that's what they were), so were Neelix and the doctor, and to his surprise not even Tuvok was in uniform! Suddenly he noticed Ensign Samantha Wildman, she was wearing civilian clothes, but not black or a large coat, and there were no tables near by for her to hide behind, and it was then that he noticed that she was pregnant.  
  
Before he could start to think by who, he saw five cameras set up around the room, camera men standing behind them wearing only black, and a man sitting on a chair holding a clipboard. And wait a minute, Seven no longer had her Borg implants, and her hair was down! People around the room were putting up decorations, but had frozen in position not knowing what to do when they had noticed the commander enter.  
  
Eventually, the captain walked up to the commander, and put a comforting had on his shoulder, "we should have told you sooner," she said, and he noticed a few nods coming from those standing around, trying to be there.  
  
The commander folded his arms, and sighed deeply, collecting his emotions, "it doesn't matter," he said at last, and then he picked up his head, "I like all of your costumes though!" he added with a grin.  
  
Everyone exchanged glances, was the commander really this stupid? Then they answered themselves, and gradually they relaxed realising that they had gotten away with it.  
  
Just then Naomi walked in, and everyone once again froze, she was covered head to toe in underwear. "Hey," she shouted to all those in the room, "how come I'm the only one changed?" she asked, totally unaware to the commander's presence. "Kate, these undies smell, you could have at least washed them first! I'm never going to hear the end of this at school, 'Scarlet Pant-wearer', that's what they're going to call me. Oh, excuse me commander, I have to go call my lawyer!"  
  
~*~ 


End file.
